The kitchen is a mess - Bowls and cups and spoons lay scattered and abandoned on one side looking like a cooking pantry monster the size of Godzilla (*well proportionately to a spoon of course) just lay waste to them,cream cheese, flour, sugar, eggs, cocoa powder, baking soda and powder all thrown like a tornado had hit.
a mixer on the counter with lemon cup cake batter in it, sitting patiently to be poured and baked
while I stood there trying not to cry, in my "attract the lads" attire - ie. sweatpants and bruce springsteen T.
The brownies i had taken out of the oven, where ruining me. I cant put it more plainly than that. thinking about the ordeal now makes me debate about getting a little drink before I go on.
First off, they didn't look as good as i wanted. with hopes of creating the look of marbled cream cheese into top of the brownies but with no recipe, I relied on my cunning wit and problem solving skills to make it happen. - mistake #1.
First of all, when you do that marbling effect, you have the dark and the white batters together and then take a tooth pick and drag it up and down your goo in lines going alternate directions.
Well see an important piece of that puzzle is that the two goos have to be of the same consistency or else you'll have an awful go at it. - that right there? mistake #2.
So with what was supposed to be an elegant looking "oh my miss may how did you do that?" turned into " Ah crap. ms may whhhyyyy did you dooo thhhhaaattt?!"
my lines looked just like this -> /\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\. Blarg.
But I decided that once I baked it, I would just cut them diagonally and then use the mistake as a sort of chic looking design and absolutely not some covered up mistake. . .
After taking them out of the oven, I feel the top, okay we want fudgey and its still soft so
"Weeee haaave FUDDDDGGGGEYYYYY!" ( I said out loud to myself in my best Oprah voice)
*flip the pan and try to take them out.*
jiggle jiggle jiggle
Jiggly Jiggle Jiggle
Aggressively Jiggle
Okkkkkay no problem-o they are just stuck to the pan. ill cut around the edges and pop goes the weasel, they should be out.
after cutting the edges of my brownies with surgical like skills, i grab both ends of the parchment paper underneath and begin lifting the brownies out of the pan and onto the counter. (Mistake #3) And then it happened.
slowly I saw them. Fissures cracking and splitting my master piece ( well mostly masterpiece). Inside them i could see what every baker dreads. goo. wet.goo.
*PaNiC*
I would say that the brownies were about 75% cooked maybe even 80% baked but unfortunately. that doesn't cut it.
I talk to myself while i'm baking and the next few minutes went something like this:
no
no
no
NO
NO
NO!
Are you kidding me?
are you serious right now?!
COMMON! WHAT THE EFF IS YOUR PROBLEM BROWNIES?!
wwwwhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
no non ononononononononono
*outraged cry*
- at this point to put something back in the oven would be kind of redundant. they will not reach the optimal baking temp again and especially since they have been removed and partially cooled.
But I had to try.
While I was letting the brownies cool before starting on this adventure, I had filled the cupcake tins with the lemon cupcakes (*Also a new recipe i was trying) and had put them in the oven. So I popped the door open and threw the brownies back in. looking somewhat like the grand canyon from a topical map. only made with dark chocolate and espresso.
The timer for the cupcakes goes off and they look heavenly. little lemon angels perfectly shaped and perfectly springy and over all awesome.
brownies still look like goo.
It feels like days are going by as I stair into the oven willing the brownies to magically fix themselves. Time passes until I think to myself that I might as well take them out and salvage what I can out of them before I have burnt sides.
I take them out and to my relief, they look . . . less. . . gooey.
while staring at the pan I figure out that logically, these are going to be hideous anyway I cut them.
Any way I cut them. . . cut them cut them cut them. . . Lightbulb.
I scour the kitchen that isn't mine and clearly inhibited by only men until I find it. A Shot glass.
looking at my mess of dark chocolate espresso brownies, I gulp and hold my breath.
Flipping the shot glass over, I used the open end to cut out little circles of brownie.
Oh. mah. gawd. Its working. . . I began popping out these little baby bite size brownies ...that didn't look half bad! Sweet baby cheeses this might just save me.
after an hour of painstakingly cutting out little brownie circles and i'll admit it, frankenstein-ing some pieces together. I had a batch of brownies.
I whipped up a quick cream cheese frosting for the cupcakes, packed the fail proof dip that I made earlier and headed off to the party.
Upon my arrival, I set up my dip in a nice bowl, my brownies on a cute plate. I iced my cupcakes and threw a few little yellow sprinkles on top. turning around with my cupcakes, I see another women walking in, plate in hand. of cupcakes.
Lemon cupcakes.
we look at each other and at our competition cakes.
Oh lady IT IS ON. I said with my eyes as I smiled sweetly. somehow that came out as "those look great!"
We set them side by side and she looked at me. half joking and half threatening "well, I guess we'll just have to leave it to the ladies and have a taste test now wont we?"
those words in the baking world mean war. it might as well have been two french men deciding to duel asking "Pistols or swords"
"yes I guess we will" I smiled.
This women had what I would call "the grandma's advantage" in that she was older. Which through the laws of delicious cooking generally means that she should have the upper hand, for grandmas are usually the master of tasty treats.
"OH MY GOD WHAT ARE THESE PIECES OF HEAVEN?!" someone shrieked behind me.
I turned to see a gaggle of women surrounding the food like hens on corn kernels.
"IN-(a word that rhymes with Buck)-ING-CREDIBLE." said another.
the cause of the commotion - my brownies.
*Sigh* ^_^
at the end of the night I left, my plate of brownies empty accept for the crumbs and people asking me to make them for the next party, one lady even offering to pay me to make more.
My plate of cupcakes were significantly lower in numbers too that of my competition.
I walked slowly and calmly to the bathroom.
Locked the door.
And threw down the more outrageous victory dance the NFL has never seen.
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