coffee

I woke up this morning on the rough side of the bed. Knowing, before even turning my light on, that it wouldn't be a good day. 

Silently, on light feet, I make my way Into the heart of the city. 

The sun isn't up and this morning, more than others, I feel like a creature of twilight. The strange time in the city before the sun comes up when you can never quite tell what's on the next block. The night owls are tucking in. Those who need scratches itched get their fixes and scuttle into the dark alleys, the arteries of the city. 

My quiet feet pad along the sidewalk and my mind spins and whirls, a tornado in my thoughts - made of sticky spider webs. 

Get changed

Clock in

Start the routine.

And that's what's scary about routine, it gives you waay too much thinking time. Time to reflect and to ponder. To sing and to listen. 

Or in today's case - to worry and stress over circumstances that are, as it stands, out of my control. 

Questioning self worth and future scenarios. Love and loss and why? 

How? 

How can a few months turn someone so radically from north to south. 

Overwhelmed, over worked and utterly sleep deprived - the walls come down and slowly, all alone in the dungeon, my eyes fill and overflow. 

One hour into my shift. Not even 6am yet. Ai Yai Yai girl. 

I want to be strong

I want to stand tall

I want to feel deserving of love in my life.

My resolve is shaken and I feel weaker than I care to admit. 

I head upstairs to deliver my daily goods to the awaiting people. In a daze, I fill the bread racks and I check the fridges. I find myself slipping away again and struggle to regain focus. 

I come back to reality and in front of me is an in-room attendant. Assuming he is waitin for his morning goods to bring upstairs, I smile and say 'good morning' before shuffling out of his way. Calmly, He looks me in the eyes and says "good morning. Here you go." And extended in his hand was a cup of coffee

I almost lost it

I thanked him in a small shaken voice, eyes a little glossy.  He turned to walk away and I said quietly "I needed this this morning more than you know." He smiled slowly at me and nodded. 

I message my sister, my rock. God I love that woman with every fibre of my being. always Helps me find perspective.

This world is hard but it isn't bad. 

You Fall down 7 times and get up 8.

I am filled with the love and strength of the women who came before me and who raised me. We are all worthy and deserving of the purest and truest love this life has to offer. I will always wear my heart on my sleeve and I will always fight for what I believe in. 

With quiet and calm finally winning the battle of my brain, I cherish the coffee and thank the world for every obstacle in my path. 

Jelly Donuts

It was stunning out when I left work the other day. So warm and bright for what felt like the first time in eternity, so instead of heading home, I had to keep walking. I found myself in front of a local donut shop. Remembering that a friend of mine had never tasted these morsels of heaven, I popped in and picked up a half dozen to drop by with later on.  It wasn't until I was two blocks away and finally finished texting a one handed novel to a pal that I thought "aw crap, I should have picked up one more donut for my roommate." I decided that the next time I went past the shop, that I would treat us both to one.
Slowly, a man on a bike appears beside me. he looks to be in his late forties, slightly dishevelled clothing riding a bike with a basket on the front, attached by jungee cords…
"Hello" he said.
"hi there" says I
and we made small talk for a few minutes.  This man was not giving me the creeps or the heebie - jeebies by any means. strange yes but he wasn't creepy, he never asked me where i lived or anything and trust me, I wouldn't continue talking to someone I didn't want to or wasn't intrigued by.
"Are those for somebody?" he asks me looking at the donut box. (* only at the box, he didn't look at my face much at all, he was focused on his bike mostly)
"yeah, for a friend"
"…your roommate?"
…strange that I was just thinking that…
"Do you know that you have a big day coming up in october?"
"…I do?"
"Yes. its your 10,000 th day of being alive. Are you going to celebrate?"
"well yeah I am now that I know that!"
we spoke some more and briefly when he told me,
"next time I see you, I want to remember you so I'm going to give you a nickname."
"oh…okay sure"
"you are now…Lowanne."
"…Lowanne?"
"yes. this might be the last time you see me today. good bye, have a good day."
and he drove off on his bike.


…Lowanne ...

wooooooosh

And just like that, I could no longer breathe.
Shock set in as I began to feel, yet again, that I was a victim to the internets cruel sense of humour.
I didn't want to know. I didn't need to know. Like ever. Of course I'm glad but I could have lived my entire life without knowing and that would have been just fine with me.
I start to feel the metaphorical ton of bricks weighing on my chest and without wanting to, I began to cry. All alone in the quiet of my room, with the city buzzing below me, I cried.
I sobbed because I was hurting and I sobbed because I was confused. I dare say I cried a little because I felt embarrassed and ashamed at the way my heart so quickly and recklessly abandoned my brain and left me, now a puddle of teenage girl, sobbing. Over a Facebook status.
Jebus, whats WRONG with me?!
When I was 18, I fell in love for the first time. It didn't last more than a year but it was a relationship with a kind and wonderful guy. we stayed friends and in touch sporadically throughout the years and I can say with confidence that though he will always have a place in my heart and memories, I am not and have not been in love with him for at least the past five years.
SO wHy aM I hAviNg tHis QuaRteR LiFE cRisiS?!
He is going to be an amazing father and his girlfriend is incredibly lucky to have a partner like him.
I did truly feel this way. I did and I do, so what on this green marble we call earth would make me succumb to these kind of reactions?!
With that, my mind (who was obviously angry with my heart - and so thought it just to run in the OTHER direction…) began to rile.
I began to question the fragile ground that my on again off again relationship was standing on and asked a million questions to myself, some of which I had answers to and most of them, I did not.

I didn't even know she was pregnant, Should this be where He and I should be right now? (*not he like my exboyfriend, I mean he like my main squeeze) Should I want to have a baby right now? Is it bad if I do want that? Is it bad if I don't? I could never do that right now, couldn't and wouldn't want to. Have I made terrible decisions in my relationship? Am I making them now? why can't we see eye to eye and why haven't I heard from you in days. . .
All questions that did nothing but throw me into a nose dive.

This was about a month ago and I'm happy to say that I'm feeling much differently. After the hindenburg went down in my brain, It took me a few days of wallowing and self pity but I felt better.

When I was 16, I was dating an 18 year old guy that was in the same social circle as I. He was handsome and smart and ambitious. Captain of the rugby team and valedictorian. He graduated high school and moved away for college. the first few months we tried calling and writing as much as we could and though I tried, it proved to be unfruitful. His comings home became awkward between the two of us at friendly gatherings and we quickly grew apart with mild animosity. I found out shortly after that he was in fact now dating my "best friend". As I'm sure you can imagine dear reader, I was devastated. I took this as such a personal blow and wrong doing that I will admit, I carried great resentment for both of them for years.

They are now happily married, and I no longer carry and anger, hurt or resentment. I let it go years ago and not only did I feel the weight of the world had been lifted, I felt that I had grown and learned an important lesson about life.
I was nothing to him. I say that with a smile and with confidence because thats exactly what it sounds like. It does not mean that I feel that I mean nothing to anyone, because I am not foolish enough to think THAT, but I - as a person - can say that truly, I meant nothing to him and thats okay with me. When I think about his path in life, where he's ended up and with whom, I know that that wasn't for me. She was his path, not me. I was not dealt some great injustice, I was hurt and thats fair, but in the grande scheme of things,  that wasn't for me. If he and I were both single and available, would I want to be with him now? Heeeeell no. and that right there has to be your answer.

What right have I to dishonour myself by holding thoughts and feelings inside of me of insecurities or inadiquacies. I don't. because I deserve to be kinder to myself.

I wish him and his girlfriend and there darling wee bairn, nothing but absolutely the best from the bottom of my heart. I know his son will be the greatest light in his life, and I am immensely grateful, that I am an aunty to a beautiful nephew…who I get to love…and then give back when he's crapped his pants, bonked his head and wailing. . . winning.

You can cry over spilled milk. I won't make it come back, but maybe…just maybe… You'll clean it up and take a second to think… that you've really wanted juice all along.