wooooooosh

And just like that, I could no longer breathe.
Shock set in as I began to feel, yet again, that I was a victim to the internets cruel sense of humour.
I didn't want to know. I didn't need to know. Like ever. Of course I'm glad but I could have lived my entire life without knowing and that would have been just fine with me.
I start to feel the metaphorical ton of bricks weighing on my chest and without wanting to, I began to cry. All alone in the quiet of my room, with the city buzzing below me, I cried.
I sobbed because I was hurting and I sobbed because I was confused. I dare say I cried a little because I felt embarrassed and ashamed at the way my heart so quickly and recklessly abandoned my brain and left me, now a puddle of teenage girl, sobbing. Over a Facebook status.
Jebus, whats WRONG with me?!
When I was 18, I fell in love for the first time. It didn't last more than a year but it was a relationship with a kind and wonderful guy. we stayed friends and in touch sporadically throughout the years and I can say with confidence that though he will always have a place in my heart and memories, I am not and have not been in love with him for at least the past five years.
SO wHy aM I hAviNg tHis QuaRteR LiFE cRisiS?!
He is going to be an amazing father and his girlfriend is incredibly lucky to have a partner like him.
I did truly feel this way. I did and I do, so what on this green marble we call earth would make me succumb to these kind of reactions?!
With that, my mind (who was obviously angry with my heart - and so thought it just to run in the OTHER direction…) began to rile.
I began to question the fragile ground that my on again off again relationship was standing on and asked a million questions to myself, some of which I had answers to and most of them, I did not.

I didn't even know she was pregnant, Should this be where He and I should be right now? (*not he like my exboyfriend, I mean he like my main squeeze) Should I want to have a baby right now? Is it bad if I do want that? Is it bad if I don't? I could never do that right now, couldn't and wouldn't want to. Have I made terrible decisions in my relationship? Am I making them now? why can't we see eye to eye and why haven't I heard from you in days. . .
All questions that did nothing but throw me into a nose dive.

This was about a month ago and I'm happy to say that I'm feeling much differently. After the hindenburg went down in my brain, It took me a few days of wallowing and self pity but I felt better.

When I was 16, I was dating an 18 year old guy that was in the same social circle as I. He was handsome and smart and ambitious. Captain of the rugby team and valedictorian. He graduated high school and moved away for college. the first few months we tried calling and writing as much as we could and though I tried, it proved to be unfruitful. His comings home became awkward between the two of us at friendly gatherings and we quickly grew apart with mild animosity. I found out shortly after that he was in fact now dating my "best friend". As I'm sure you can imagine dear reader, I was devastated. I took this as such a personal blow and wrong doing that I will admit, I carried great resentment for both of them for years.

They are now happily married, and I no longer carry and anger, hurt or resentment. I let it go years ago and not only did I feel the weight of the world had been lifted, I felt that I had grown and learned an important lesson about life.
I was nothing to him. I say that with a smile and with confidence because thats exactly what it sounds like. It does not mean that I feel that I mean nothing to anyone, because I am not foolish enough to think THAT, but I - as a person - can say that truly, I meant nothing to him and thats okay with me. When I think about his path in life, where he's ended up and with whom, I know that that wasn't for me. She was his path, not me. I was not dealt some great injustice, I was hurt and thats fair, but in the grande scheme of things,  that wasn't for me. If he and I were both single and available, would I want to be with him now? Heeeeell no. and that right there has to be your answer.

What right have I to dishonour myself by holding thoughts and feelings inside of me of insecurities or inadiquacies. I don't. because I deserve to be kinder to myself.

I wish him and his girlfriend and there darling wee bairn, nothing but absolutely the best from the bottom of my heart. I know his son will be the greatest light in his life, and I am immensely grateful, that I am an aunty to a beautiful nephew…who I get to love…and then give back when he's crapped his pants, bonked his head and wailing. . . winning.

You can cry over spilled milk. I won't make it come back, but maybe…just maybe… You'll clean it up and take a second to think… that you've really wanted juice all along.