coffee

I woke up this morning on the rough side of the bed. Knowing, before even turning my light on, that it wouldn't be a good day. 

Silently, on light feet, I make my way Into the heart of the city. 

The sun isn't up and this morning, more than others, I feel like a creature of twilight. The strange time in the city before the sun comes up when you can never quite tell what's on the next block. The night owls are tucking in. Those who need scratches itched get their fixes and scuttle into the dark alleys, the arteries of the city. 

My quiet feet pad along the sidewalk and my mind spins and whirls, a tornado in my thoughts - made of sticky spider webs. 

Get changed

Clock in

Start the routine.

And that's what's scary about routine, it gives you waay too much thinking time. Time to reflect and to ponder. To sing and to listen. 

Or in today's case - to worry and stress over circumstances that are, as it stands, out of my control. 

Questioning self worth and future scenarios. Love and loss and why? 

How? 

How can a few months turn someone so radically from north to south. 

Overwhelmed, over worked and utterly sleep deprived - the walls come down and slowly, all alone in the dungeon, my eyes fill and overflow. 

One hour into my shift. Not even 6am yet. Ai Yai Yai girl. 

I want to be strong

I want to stand tall

I want to feel deserving of love in my life.

My resolve is shaken and I feel weaker than I care to admit. 

I head upstairs to deliver my daily goods to the awaiting people. In a daze, I fill the bread racks and I check the fridges. I find myself slipping away again and struggle to regain focus. 

I come back to reality and in front of me is an in-room attendant. Assuming he is waitin for his morning goods to bring upstairs, I smile and say 'good morning' before shuffling out of his way. Calmly, He looks me in the eyes and says "good morning. Here you go." And extended in his hand was a cup of coffee

I almost lost it

I thanked him in a small shaken voice, eyes a little glossy.  He turned to walk away and I said quietly "I needed this this morning more than you know." He smiled slowly at me and nodded. 

I message my sister, my rock. God I love that woman with every fibre of my being. always Helps me find perspective.

This world is hard but it isn't bad. 

You Fall down 7 times and get up 8.

I am filled with the love and strength of the women who came before me and who raised me. We are all worthy and deserving of the purest and truest love this life has to offer. I will always wear my heart on my sleeve and I will always fight for what I believe in. 

With quiet and calm finally winning the battle of my brain, I cherish the coffee and thank the world for every obstacle in my path.