The Dangers of Downward facing Dog.

Being broke as a joke, I decided that a great way to spend what little money I have would be to get a gym pass. this makes sense to me because

A) if I have no cash and cant go out I should at least do something productive.

B) the whole "work out at home" has more often than not turned into couch marathons coupled with a variety of counter productive snacks.

and C) I am not doing a month to month thing and because all of our friends go there and I bought a two year membership at costco for way cheaper.

SO. . . last friday I went to yoga.

Now i enjoy yoga, I like the feeling I like the moving, the breathing, the whole shi-bang and I feel great afterwards. During however I look like a monster. I am wearing some kind of old t-shirt, huffing and puffing - concentrating on my breaths, red faced and shaking trying to hold a pose. I dont mean to be lude. . . but it looks like whatever difficult position your in, your trying to take a big poo.

I digress.

So friday was nice, it was a slower class and not only did i look like I was not trying to defecate, but I was much more confident in my poses and was looking less and less at the instructor. To my left was my friend down here, a born and raised So Cal babe and to my right was this lady. Now im not one to be stereo typical but this lady seemed to be the idea of LA to me. I was in total awe.

Wearing a violet velour track suite (* for my fellas reading this, thats like an almost velvet material) with rhinestones and what not on it, she had looong yellow blonde hair which was about as real as Pere Noel and some shirt rockets that would get Dolly Parton looking twice.

my favourite part of yoga is that one move where you go from lying on your back to rolling back onto your shoulders and putting your legs straight up into the air. You spread into the splits, you split into scissors. . . you. . .

oh for the love of. . .

are you. . .

are you kidding me?!

sweet baby cheeses!

LA lady beside me is doing all these twisty leg things ON HER HEAD.

full on head stand using her forearms as a base around her head, just bending around like Betty Spaghetti. Eyes closed, not givin a hoot. once she was done that and with half an hour still left in class, she gets up, rolls up the yoga matt and leaves.

Now that was incredible but what really got me was that the whole time she was there, her Tah- Tahs never moved at all! standing up, lying flat, twisting and literally upside down, the sweater puppies showed un believable amounts of discipline.

After her mini circe de soleil act, we normal people went back to our average yoga.

Ahhhhhh one of the best stretches is the downward facing dog. this means that you make almost a triangle with the floor in that your hands and feet are planted, butt straight up in the air and you streeeetch out.

*Grumble*

. . . what was that. . .

ruuuuuummmmbbbbllleeee

. . oh dear lord. . .

*GuRggggGGlle*

oooohhh boy. . .

And with that, my light dinner had resurfaced as light gas. I can feel this fart building behind my butt cheeks and all of a sudden "keeping my gluts contracted" had a whoooole other meaning.

I glanced around the room of my zen minded class mates and began to think.

it was clear that I could NOT hold this little fire ball in but timing was of the essences. If i acted too boldly and let loose the demon... AND if at that point in time and the fart gods curse me with a loud wet one. . . well I would die of embarrassment. But I couldn't just keep it in!. . . could I wait until we had a position where my arse wasn't trying to kiss the ceiling slash pose as an immediate threat to the air supply?

I decided to be bold. While still in downward facing dog, with the light sounds of rain forrest CD playing, I carefully let the first grasps of my fart out. no shreiking. no air escaping a balloon. . . nothing. safety. with relief and control I let my fart out swiftly and thankfully silently.

at the end of the class as our instructor spoke softly to us during our meditation she encouraged us to think about what it is today in our lives that we are thankful for.

I was thankful for silent farts.