coffee

I woke up this morning on the rough side of the bed. Knowing, before even turning my light on, that it wouldn't be a good day. 

Silently, on light feet, I make my way Into the heart of the city. 

The sun isn't up and this morning, more than others, I feel like a creature of twilight. The strange time in the city before the sun comes up when you can never quite tell what's on the next block. The night owls are tucking in. Those who need scratches itched get their fixes and scuttle into the dark alleys, the arteries of the city. 

My quiet feet pad along the sidewalk and my mind spins and whirls, a tornado in my thoughts - made of sticky spider webs. 

Get changed

Clock in

Start the routine.

And that's what's scary about routine, it gives you waay too much thinking time. Time to reflect and to ponder. To sing and to listen. 

Or in today's case - to worry and stress over circumstances that are, as it stands, out of my control. 

Questioning self worth and future scenarios. Love and loss and why? 

How? 

How can a few months turn someone so radically from north to south. 

Overwhelmed, over worked and utterly sleep deprived - the walls come down and slowly, all alone in the dungeon, my eyes fill and overflow. 

One hour into my shift. Not even 6am yet. Ai Yai Yai girl. 

I want to be strong

I want to stand tall

I want to feel deserving of love in my life.

My resolve is shaken and I feel weaker than I care to admit. 

I head upstairs to deliver my daily goods to the awaiting people. In a daze, I fill the bread racks and I check the fridges. I find myself slipping away again and struggle to regain focus. 

I come back to reality and in front of me is an in-room attendant. Assuming he is waitin for his morning goods to bring upstairs, I smile and say 'good morning' before shuffling out of his way. Calmly, He looks me in the eyes and says "good morning. Here you go." And extended in his hand was a cup of coffee

I almost lost it

I thanked him in a small shaken voice, eyes a little glossy.  He turned to walk away and I said quietly "I needed this this morning more than you know." He smiled slowly at me and nodded. 

I message my sister, my rock. God I love that woman with every fibre of my being. always Helps me find perspective.

This world is hard but it isn't bad. 

You Fall down 7 times and get up 8.

I am filled with the love and strength of the women who came before me and who raised me. We are all worthy and deserving of the purest and truest love this life has to offer. I will always wear my heart on my sleeve and I will always fight for what I believe in. 

With quiet and calm finally winning the battle of my brain, I cherish the coffee and thank the world for every obstacle in my path. 

Jelly Donuts

It was stunning out when I left work the other day. So warm and bright for what felt like the first time in eternity, so instead of heading home, I had to keep walking. I found myself in front of a local donut shop. Remembering that a friend of mine had never tasted these morsels of heaven, I popped in and picked up a half dozen to drop by with later on.  It wasn't until I was two blocks away and finally finished texting a one handed novel to a pal that I thought "aw crap, I should have picked up one more donut for my roommate." I decided that the next time I went past the shop, that I would treat us both to one.
Slowly, a man on a bike appears beside me. he looks to be in his late forties, slightly dishevelled clothing riding a bike with a basket on the front, attached by jungee cords…
"Hello" he said.
"hi there" says I
and we made small talk for a few minutes.  This man was not giving me the creeps or the heebie - jeebies by any means. strange yes but he wasn't creepy, he never asked me where i lived or anything and trust me, I wouldn't continue talking to someone I didn't want to or wasn't intrigued by.
"Are those for somebody?" he asks me looking at the donut box. (* only at the box, he didn't look at my face much at all, he was focused on his bike mostly)
"yeah, for a friend"
"…your roommate?"
…strange that I was just thinking that…
"Do you know that you have a big day coming up in october?"
"…I do?"
"Yes. its your 10,000 th day of being alive. Are you going to celebrate?"
"well yeah I am now that I know that!"
we spoke some more and briefly when he told me,
"next time I see you, I want to remember you so I'm going to give you a nickname."
"oh…okay sure"
"you are now…Lowanne."
"…Lowanne?"
"yes. this might be the last time you see me today. good bye, have a good day."
and he drove off on his bike.


…Lowanne ...

wooooooosh

And just like that, I could no longer breathe.
Shock set in as I began to feel, yet again, that I was a victim to the internets cruel sense of humour.
I didn't want to know. I didn't need to know. Like ever. Of course I'm glad but I could have lived my entire life without knowing and that would have been just fine with me.
I start to feel the metaphorical ton of bricks weighing on my chest and without wanting to, I began to cry. All alone in the quiet of my room, with the city buzzing below me, I cried.
I sobbed because I was hurting and I sobbed because I was confused. I dare say I cried a little because I felt embarrassed and ashamed at the way my heart so quickly and recklessly abandoned my brain and left me, now a puddle of teenage girl, sobbing. Over a Facebook status.
Jebus, whats WRONG with me?!
When I was 18, I fell in love for the first time. It didn't last more than a year but it was a relationship with a kind and wonderful guy. we stayed friends and in touch sporadically throughout the years and I can say with confidence that though he will always have a place in my heart and memories, I am not and have not been in love with him for at least the past five years.
SO wHy aM I hAviNg tHis QuaRteR LiFE cRisiS?!
He is going to be an amazing father and his girlfriend is incredibly lucky to have a partner like him.
I did truly feel this way. I did and I do, so what on this green marble we call earth would make me succumb to these kind of reactions?!
With that, my mind (who was obviously angry with my heart - and so thought it just to run in the OTHER direction…) began to rile.
I began to question the fragile ground that my on again off again relationship was standing on and asked a million questions to myself, some of which I had answers to and most of them, I did not.

I didn't even know she was pregnant, Should this be where He and I should be right now? (*not he like my exboyfriend, I mean he like my main squeeze) Should I want to have a baby right now? Is it bad if I do want that? Is it bad if I don't? I could never do that right now, couldn't and wouldn't want to. Have I made terrible decisions in my relationship? Am I making them now? why can't we see eye to eye and why haven't I heard from you in days. . .
All questions that did nothing but throw me into a nose dive.

This was about a month ago and I'm happy to say that I'm feeling much differently. After the hindenburg went down in my brain, It took me a few days of wallowing and self pity but I felt better.

When I was 16, I was dating an 18 year old guy that was in the same social circle as I. He was handsome and smart and ambitious. Captain of the rugby team and valedictorian. He graduated high school and moved away for college. the first few months we tried calling and writing as much as we could and though I tried, it proved to be unfruitful. His comings home became awkward between the two of us at friendly gatherings and we quickly grew apart with mild animosity. I found out shortly after that he was in fact now dating my "best friend". As I'm sure you can imagine dear reader, I was devastated. I took this as such a personal blow and wrong doing that I will admit, I carried great resentment for both of them for years.

They are now happily married, and I no longer carry and anger, hurt or resentment. I let it go years ago and not only did I feel the weight of the world had been lifted, I felt that I had grown and learned an important lesson about life.
I was nothing to him. I say that with a smile and with confidence because thats exactly what it sounds like. It does not mean that I feel that I mean nothing to anyone, because I am not foolish enough to think THAT, but I - as a person - can say that truly, I meant nothing to him and thats okay with me. When I think about his path in life, where he's ended up and with whom, I know that that wasn't for me. She was his path, not me. I was not dealt some great injustice, I was hurt and thats fair, but in the grande scheme of things,  that wasn't for me. If he and I were both single and available, would I want to be with him now? Heeeeell no. and that right there has to be your answer.

What right have I to dishonour myself by holding thoughts and feelings inside of me of insecurities or inadiquacies. I don't. because I deserve to be kinder to myself.

I wish him and his girlfriend and there darling wee bairn, nothing but absolutely the best from the bottom of my heart. I know his son will be the greatest light in his life, and I am immensely grateful, that I am an aunty to a beautiful nephew…who I get to love…and then give back when he's crapped his pants, bonked his head and wailing. . . winning.

You can cry over spilled milk. I won't make it come back, but maybe…just maybe… You'll clean it up and take a second to think… that you've really wanted juice all along.

Its a Long Way to the Top if you want to Rock n Roll. Translation: February is the longest month ever and I still have three weeks of being a vegetarian.

Sometimes in life its easier just to give up. Give up and give in. Its only pepperoni. Pepperoni and the occasional sausage bite. . .
and i mean... is it REALLY cheating if no one sees me do it?...or or what if I just pick off 85% of them and then OOooooPPPppSSSss... how did that bite of pepperoni get into my mouth?! . . .I MUST have missed it.
I would pull it out, TRUST me. - Buuuuutt its pretty mashed up in my mouth and im not one to waste food.

I staired at the cold pizza, genuinely perplexed. Whats the big deal... just one tiny little slice of pizza...

Frig six days in and im behaving like ill never touch the stuff again! Trust me, the irony isn't lost on how I grilled daddy-o for falling off the wagon two days in with a steak dinner and bacon and sausage breakfast ("Oh K, Ill just re start and add two days on in March" - father)

In a moment of clarity I walked over to the garbage can and stripped the pizza to the bare bones. thin crust, a whisper of tomatoe sauce and the sad looking, pock marked what-was-left-of the cheese.
I grumbled and shoved it in my mouth.
The fridge is stocked with temptation. I actually almost cried as I walked away from these beauties.
Being green aint easy.

I Am A Vegetarian And I Only Eat Beats Wear Alot Of Carrots And I Smoke The Best Greens No Beef

No Fun February. A tradition that started years ago with my sister and some of her high school friends to describe the month in which they sacrifice the nectar of the gods; beer.
Inspired by her devotion to better herself and give up the sweet sweet adult juice, my parents and I have since decided to give up our own indulgences for the month. Mine? - Meat.

Muther and Fadder have also decided to give up meat, making us one green family. literally.
I truly think that I will be just fine without meat, in general, I am someone who tends to lean towards veggies anyways. If a vegetarian option is available, I will more likely than not gravitate towards that. I would say that I am a Veggiepreferian. That being said, there are some meaty delights that I could not and would not turn down. Things like a good bloody steak, or a Pulled Pork Sammich. The list of things I WOULDN'T do for a good pulled pork sammie is in fact, alarmingly short.
MUST. STOP. THINKING. ABOUT. THAT.

Now there are some rules to this month of meatless madness. I will still eat eggs because chickens make them anyways and are therefore in my mind, not considered meat. Generally dad is going with "If it has eyes, eyebrows or a mother - don't eat it" but we've agreed that eggs are okay and Fish would be allowed only on special occasions or emergencies of the fish and chips nature... and besides...fish dont have eyebrows.

The upside of working at a job that also feeds you is that, well, it feeds you. I am lucky enough that everyday, someone upstairs is preparing lunch for myself and my fellow associates. I can always rely on a salad ( though most times it will be comprised of random bits of hacked up lettuce, some carrot sticks and a slice of cucumber - which seemingly boring, is still yum in my mind. Not exactly filling but tasty) my other staple is soup. It doesn't matter how hot it is outside or what time of the year - I LOVe SOUP. period.

Day one was tricky. As I made my way towards the staff caff, I knew that I would be okay today so long as I had some soup. Looking at the menu on the wall, I sighed knowing I would have to turn down the salmon. And the Tuna salad. And the soup.
wait
WAIT
AND THE SOUP?!
I let out an audible groan as I poured my delicious looking cream of potato AND BACON soup back into the pot.
I shuffled over to the cold salad bar and made a sad looking arrangement of greens on my plate.
I took a picture of my sad lunch and texted it to dad

Me: day 1
Dad: im dying for a buger. THAT looks appetizing (*Sarcastic). Im in trouble
Me: I know. we have potato bacon soup for lunch. AND salmon AND tuna salad. this blows.
Dad: .....mmmmmmmm potato bacon soup...i'm screwed

After explaining to one of my colleagues how / why I was torturing myself for the month of February, he piped up with " well are you documenting the process? - you should weigh yourself now at the beginning of the month and then just keep track of it every week and see what changes happen to your body as a result of our altered diet." I am intrigued by this and think it is a stellar idea. that being said im not terribly pumped to publish my weight on the internet BUT I WILL - your welcome science. and nosey people. so I am going to go weigh myself right meow and then right it down. Followed by a trip to the grocery store with my mudder (mother) to pick up some veggie burgers.

Starting weight: 117 lbs.       :/

the shortest month of the year might just turn out to be the longest month of my life.

Frumpy frumpy lumpy

Ugh this place is making me jaded. I can feel it.
For the past two months, the job that I don't have has really been bursting any happy bubbles I've got towards it. I can't stand the food that they make and serve and since 75% of things I make come frozen I in mix packages, my soul as a baker shivers and cringes at attaching my name to such 'pastries'. Frankly it's an abomination.
Hen I first started not working there, ( because that would be illegal and I certainly do NOT break the law) I was thrilled by this owner who wanted me to turn the shop around. New recipes and new cakes and new new new... Everything, yes I had won. Though in retrospect I should have paid closer attention to the little voice inside my head that whispered ' gosh... They certainly have a high staff turn over rate...' lesson learned.
Week after week I would churn out new things, a cappuccino cake one week, dark chocolate baileys cupcakes the next, pâté a choux swans dipped in chocolate with elegant little almond beaks the next and each and every single time Monsieur the owner would sneer and scrutinize my work with a scowl. Luckily, on a day I was feeling particularly grumbly from his dark cloud that's hovers wherever he is, a customer came in and freaked out over my swans. I stood there beaming as he raved on an on and then bought one. The whole time the owner was shrugging and saying little to nothing.
Eventually one day he came up to me. 'what are you doing???!!! I don't want this stuff! See the book here?! (receptive book full of garbage from the 80's) This is what I want you to make! People like this so don't change it!'
I felt like an idiot. My Outer angry girl shell stood there with one leg piped out to the side and my arms crossed defensively across my chest, while I tried to hide my inside thoughts which were a jumble of wanting to cry... An scream and weep and just a little of wanting to rip his stupid mustache off.
I let it go and he walked out I the store for the day. This was the first and certainly not the last time he freaks out on me ( if I had a job that is, which I do not). P.s- the next time would be ' you never put out anything new!! Always stuff from the book!!!!... I dropped my jaw at this one and defended myself to which he huffed and walked away. I digress.
I am very aware that this company is making no money. Rarely selling over 1000$ a day and in such a prime location, I am surprised they are still open at all, he has Told me that his family has wealth so for that I say good for him. The waste from that place is brutal cost effectively and just in general. I do like the staff but certain things weigh on my soul. Like grandpa who speaks little to no English. Work well together in relative silence and laugh at a few things but the fact that he slaps big slabs of raw meat onto the kitchen scales without wiping or anything and they continue on makes the germ freak inside of me faint. Once while explaining to him in the simplest English I could ( and some butchered Spanish) about cross contamination - yeah YOU translate that!) he just laughed and walked away. Sigh.

Today was the last straw.

Since the owner was about a week late with the paychecks. As usual. I kindly aske him for it before I forgot. He came up to me and shrieks " this is how you leave it?! This is how you leave the display case looking?! WELL Is IT?! "
I am simply stunned. I didn't say anything thinking it was rhetorical. Once I realize he was actually wanting me to answer, I stopped staring at his gross mustache and replied ' I guess not no.' " GOOD answer! I don't know what language I have to talk to you in to get it through!" ( he also speaks French) "... I wasn't leaving... I wasn't done yet... I ws just asking for my paycheck...you just assumed I was leaving." and with that he rolled his eyes sneered at me and charged through to the front where he put on a fake smile do sweet it would make you diabetic.
I stood static for a moment and mentally calmed myself down " don't panic miss may its not you it's him. He's an angry man and I would be too if my restaurant was failing. You get good grades and everyone who eats your food loves it. It's jut him. " and with that I walked to the front and asked to speak with him for a moment.
His smile vanishe and he came towards me like a was wearing antlers and had a bullseye around me neck.
Calmly I said
' first of all- you out of walnuts ( he's ALWAYS out of something we need) an secondly I would like to give you my two weeks notice. Thank you for the opportunity but clearly ou ate not happy with my work and I don't think that this place is right for me-" and with that he broke in "- I told you from the beginning! And you never put out anything new and I-"
AND I - ha ha enough do I cut in
" yes if that's how you feel then one that is why I'm giving you my two weeks." and he sneered and said 'fine.'

I am relieved to be free from that place in two weeks and little does he know that I am sitting in my car I front of a prestigious bakery down the way... I definitely don't have an interview here right now and there staff turn over rate is so low, I've been waiting for over a year for this interview. That I don't have.


Today before I left, the new cook ( old one worked there four months n left) was freestyle rapping suing ' frump frumpy, she likes her oatmeal lumpy' ... Thank you baby jebus for getting me outta there.

That Day I remembered.

If I had a job, I would stay for the people. If one day my boss came into work and yelled at me for no reason, I would stand there and let him. I would you see because I need this imaginary job and the next day when I would come into work, I would have quietly told my comrades in the back about the ordeal. Dumbfounded, my little Spanish lady would hug me like a mother hugs a child

"Ai ai nooo lady no cry! U-re caikes ar Werry werry dell-icious" she would coo to me. I would hug her back and let her sooth me which feels very nice.

My day would be quiet but busy as I think about everything and nothing in particular. Out of no where a memory pops into my mind...A day that I swore I would never forget and yet haven't thought about in so long. I thought I might write it down just in case.

I was working behind the bar. This isn't a bar bar but a service bar in a family restaurant. Milkshakes, icecream, sundaes - that type of deal.

the night was busy busy and just winding down. I am exsausted, covered head to toe in nearly every flavour of syrup ever created.

I cringe to think what I would taste like if a giant popped me into his mouth...yuck....anyhoo

I slowly start to clean up, putting things away slowly, shuffling my feet to and from the sink and counter. Gawd my hair is going to be a disaster after this...ew what the what is THIS?...Ugh why is everything in my life so stiiiickyyyyyyy.....

the familiar buzz sound goes off and a paper prints out of my little machine. I feel like some kind of Genie, stuck in what looks like a chimney for a lamp, with a hole cut out. just enough space to see your genie sweat and pump out your milkshakes for hours on end.

I pull off my paper from the machine with my new masters wishes printed neatly on it.

Oreo Milkshake and a Strawberry fruit crush to go. Not too bad. I quickly go about whipping up the drinks when they are done, I mark them with there names and little hearts and I bring them out of my chimney to the man waiting on the other side of the wall.

Here you are my friend - I said to him.

Thank you - he replies

excuse me ms? - he says softly before I can return to cleaning,

I just want you to know that this fruit crush is going to a women who is very sick. She has terminal cancer and is in her last stages of life. . . She wont be around much longer and she can barely keep food down anymore. The one thing she asks for is this strawberry fruit crush. It really keeps her going, her face lights up when she has it.

He smiled kindly at me.

I just wanted to say thank you and to let you know that you've made a difference in a very sick person's life.

and with that he walked away.

I stood there numbly, my eyes leaking. Suddenly unaware of my hair or stickiness.

I thought about that day a lot the other day as I stood there not at my work.

People like him and my little spanish lady make me feel like I make a difference and I love them dearly for it.